How It Feels to Float by Helena Fox

Author:Helena Fox
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan Australia
Published: 2019-04-08T23:27:46+00:00

A panic attack. That’s what Bridgit calls it. She’s fitted me in on Monday, a day after my meltdown, and we’re discussing what new thing might be broken in me.

‘Or maybe it was just an excess of feeling,’ she says, which is ironic because I haven’t felt in so long—it must have been like a cork popping.

We sit on her brown chairs. Afternoon sun plants a triangle of light over the top of my foot.

She says, ‘It’s okay, Elizabeth; this is not uncommon. Nothing to be ashamed of. I can help you. Now, the trembling, how long has that been happening?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Think about it. Let’s just step slowly. When was the first time?’

I remember it happening after the waves, with Jasper.

I remember it happening—worse, longer—after Tim in the dunes. I went and shook in bed and my teeth chattered and my limbs seized. I crawled into the shower and crouched and shuddered. The water hit my back and at some point, the water went cold.

And then—

my mind leaps back in time like a cat, and lands, four-pawed, on the night after Dad died, the first night in bed.

The dark was smothery. The air felt like soup. The shaking came and Mum held me, and then she shook too, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I remember I could feel Mum’s heart, ricocheting inside her body—ratatatat—my heart thumping back—our skin frozen, the sky falling and—

I look around.

Everything is blurry. I’m looking at Bridgit from the wrong end of a telescope. I’ve gone too close to the sun.

Bridgit’s leaning towards me. ‘That’s interesting, Elizabeth. And if we step a little more into that day, what else—’

No.

She shifts forward. ‘It might be helpful to—’

No. No.

Bridgit sits back. She eyes me, measures me gently.

‘Okay, Elizabeth,’ she says. ‘How about I give you some new breathing exercises to do?’

I nod.

‘Shall we try them now?’

We breathe in.

We breathe out.

In, out, around. Count to four. Hold for four.

In. Out. Around.

I feel my body, here in the chair. I feel my hands in my lap.

I’m back.

And our time is up.

Bridgit smiles. She recommends a meditation app. ‘It’s excellent. I use it myself,’ she says, writing it down. She’ll also send me links to articles, so I can understand myself better. ‘All will be well, Elizabeth,’ she says as I leave. ‘It will be okay.’

Yes. Of course it will be. I’ll read the articles and totally figure myself out. I can send those to Sylvia and Jasper so they can understand me too.

Here: look at these charts, these graphs, these lovely informational tools! Here is Biz: isn’t she a harmless and fascinating creature?

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